Here we are...

Well, well, well my friends. It has been awhile hasn't it.

You know Blogging has taught me a lot about myself. I realize I write when I'm stressed and I need a place to process my thoughts. And yet, on the other hand, I've also learned that sometimes I really want to write, but I'm afraid and so instead of blogging about what is on my mind I just avoid writing entirely.

Almost as if I'm too stressed to even write. But I think in the end, that is just fear. And a good friend and I were talking today about an entirely different subject, but she said something that struck me.

Don't let the fear win.

And all to often I do. I let fear make way to many decisions for me and it is something I need to work on.

One thing I know lots of bloggers struggle with is the fine line between diary/journal and public forum. For me, I think it would be easier sometimes if this was just public, if I didn't know who was reading my blogging thoughts. And so I wonder, do I write them down here for everyone to read....or do I get a journal and work through things myself? For those of you who know me in real-life, please don't take any offense. I'm happy to have you reading along with me. In fact, in a lot of ways reading about what is happening is even better, because then you can be "in the know" without me even having to say anything :-) Besides...most of what I write here is open book kind of stuff.

Anyway, I'm really rambling here. Bear with me...there's an actual post coming soon.

Today is Tres' birthday. My "baby" is 4. And I'll be totally honest....it's been a difficult day for me. I haven't written much about wanting more children....but lots of you already know me and know getting pregnant hasn't always been easy for us.

And so here I sit, not knowing whether or not all the baby stuff is done in our world. I know none of us have the benefit of knowing what the future holds, but this, i dunno, wilderness of sorts, hasn't been easy for me.

I like to be in charge (some would say bossy...and they'd be right) and so letting go of my notions of what our family *should* look like is tough for me. I always imagined, and even planned, for four kids. It just hasn't worked out that way. Yet. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. I'm trying to let go and realize that maybe it just isn't meant to be...that God has other plans for us. I'm trying to live in the present. In my present...instead of wishing for something else.

I'm so happy for so many of my friends who have welcomed new babies into their lives this past year. None of that makes me sad. But thinking that my baby days might be over....that does leave me blue. And so instead of writing about it and sharing my feelings, I haven't written at all. But I can only hold it in for so long, before it all comes spilling out. And today, instead of being a happy-birthday kind of day. It's been an emotional, teary kind of day. And I'm tired of holding back. So I'm writing about it. I'm naming it and claiming it. I'm not going to be afraid about sharing my crazy baby thoughts :-)

Ok, I'm a little afraid. This is the web...words like this last forever. But I thought I should at least tell you why I haven't written much lately. It's because I want to write about trying to have another baby and I wasn't sure if I really wanted that to be all out there, fully public. But not writing is harder than writing about personal stuff. It's like all my thoughts and feelings just get squished down and it drives me crazy.

So instead, I give you this. One big, long, emotional dump of a post. Sorry. Thanks for sticking with me if you've read this far.

And thanks for all your love and support.

Good night.