no time for guilt

I'd like to go back and explain why i haven't written in three months. But there's nothing to discuss....I write when I'm stressed and if things are hunky dory, i just don't seem to find the time to put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard as it were.

Which brings me to the here and now. I am 38 weeks preggo and finally admitting to myself that there is a new little life about to join our family. I'm also admitting that I'm intermittently thrilled, scared, excited, and nervous. I've been dragging my feet for a while now (refusing to clean out the baby's room, pack a bag etc. etc. etc.) and I think its time to get on with it and stop pretending that by avoiding preparations i can avoid childbirth.

Problem is, I can't figure out what has me "scared". I've done the hypnosis before with DJ, so why am I worried about it this time. Let the litany begin....Have I practiced enough? Am I confident enough? Is it that I'm an "instructor" now and so I worry about my legitimacy? Am I afraid of pain? Am I afraid that I don't trust my body and mind. I don't want to be any of these things. I want to be confident of an easy birth that is peaceful and calm. Like so many I have seen and heard about....LIKE MINE WAS WITH DJ!! Why am I concerned that it won't be. I need to release those fears and concentrate on how awesome DJ's was and how I only wanted to improve upon it when I got the chance to do it all again!!!!!

In fact I remember telling Kim a mere two or three days after birthing that I couldn't wait to do it again. Who says stuff like that, except a person on a high from their birth. So I need to focus on that and not the fears.

I imagine, that a good part of all this is knowing that after baby, the next event is the move and that's a whole nother bag of chips. The last few months have been a series of "get throughs".....get through the move, get through Dan being gone, get through the tonsillectomy, get through the baby....the last one is get through the move and I'm just not ready to get to the other side of that one, since we will be leaving so many good friends and such a great area.


Soooooooooo all of this is out and about. Let it out, let it unravel and it become a path on which to travel (my apologies to the author of this Common Prayer).....where does this path take me? The only place it can go.....To trust in God. To trust that this will be the birth I need, with the baby we were meant to have. To trust that God is with me through all of the upcoming changes to our home, our family and our life. To trust that God has our best interests at heart and to walk with him to know that I am not alone and I should not fear.

Trust. Be open. Relax and Release.

Let Go and Let God.

Ahhhhh...those words ring true now more than ever.