restless

I've been feeling restless lately. Maybe its spring fever (even though with temperatures expected to be in the teens this week, spring feels far, far away still). Maybe its just me being me. Maybe we are all restless until we are united with God. Does that mean I'll spend all my time on Earth restless? Hmmm....that doesn't seem quite right. I think in the end these feelings are like everything else; a phase, a season; a time to reflect and act and see what can be learned.

So where does that leave me?

I recently read an article about Spanish actress Penelope Cruz where she was asked what she would be doing if she wasn't acting. Her response was that she would be doing something in a creative field because she "needs art like she needs food."

That stuck with me. Her passion and dedication.

Do I have that right now? Not that I'm jealous of her. Just that I was struck by how well she understood her mission in life. What her talents and gifts were and how she knew she must use them.

I am thrilled to be an at-home- mom. I cannot state that enough. I have NO desire to be working somewhere else for someone else. So this isn't about that. But I feel that there is something just below the surface that I cannot put my finger on. Something I'm yearning to do or yearning for, but I don't know what it is. I miss having a space to be creative in my life. I've tried scrap booking and crocheting, and while I've enjoyed both of these, they don't satisfy my urge. They're fun, but in the end they feel more like work than passion.

I'd like to have something that was so a part of me, it is as necessary as food or air. I'm just not sure what that is.

Actually I think I do know what path I want to go down. I'm just chicken to do it right now.

So I find myself offering up my restlessness and praying for peace for those who need it in so many more ways than my own insignificant dilemma. And that maybe I can learn from this restlessness and find a way to grow from it too. And maybe even work on not being such a chicken.