"stolen" from the school journal

He may hate me later for posting this for all the world to see....but it was too darn sweet not to.

Like a panda

Hi there.
Thanks so very much for the supportive comments, virtual (and real) hugs. I have gone back to read and re-read them a number of times.

I may not have a whole slew of readers, but the ones I have are superstars!

So thanks.

As for my panda quip.

Living in the DC region means we hear a lot about the panda bears at the National Zoo. And this week's news has been that one of the pandas seems to have had a pseudo-pregnancy. Meaning she was exhibiting all the signs of being pregnant, but after an ultra-sound the doctors have not found a fetus.

I'm kind of feeling like Mei Xiang these days. NOTE-- I really do not intend for this blog to become a chronicle of my monthly cycles, just bear with me for today. If you're not up for it, come back next post when I'm not talking pregnancy and TTC.

At the very least you've been warned.

Last week, I was exhausted. I could have napped every day. Twice. And I was also smell-sensitive. Every new smell turned my stomach--even good odors smelled off. I gave up eating pizza in New Jersey because the mushrooms smelled funny. That's serious y'all! The only time I have ever been so nose-sensitive was when I was preggers with my three guys. Then this week, I was late. And I'm not usually late. So you could see why I was genuinely thinking, "Maybe this month is 'it'?"

Or not.

Apparently I was on the same course as the Panda.

Not pregnant. Not expecting a baby on January 27,2009 (Yes, I looked up the due date calculator...I was a day late and up too late...sad I know).

But you know, in the end, I know how to react to one pink line. I've seen many, many more of those than the two pink lines on the stick.

And as excited as I was for the few days I thought "it" was possible, even likely, I'm ok with my status. Each month, a new chance, a new possiblilty. Three really awesome boys to remind me how blessed I am. And the realization that my body is not betryaing me. More about that in my next post.

At the very least, a good chuckle about sharing my ttc struggles with a panda!

Here we are...

Well, well, well my friends. It has been awhile hasn't it.

You know Blogging has taught me a lot about myself. I realize I write when I'm stressed and I need a place to process my thoughts. And yet, on the other hand, I've also learned that sometimes I really want to write, but I'm afraid and so instead of blogging about what is on my mind I just avoid writing entirely.

Almost as if I'm too stressed to even write. But I think in the end, that is just fear. And a good friend and I were talking today about an entirely different subject, but she said something that struck me.

Don't let the fear win.

And all to often I do. I let fear make way to many decisions for me and it is something I need to work on.

One thing I know lots of bloggers struggle with is the fine line between diary/journal and public forum. For me, I think it would be easier sometimes if this was just public, if I didn't know who was reading my blogging thoughts. And so I wonder, do I write them down here for everyone to read....or do I get a journal and work through things myself? For those of you who know me in real-life, please don't take any offense. I'm happy to have you reading along with me. In fact, in a lot of ways reading about what is happening is even better, because then you can be "in the know" without me even having to say anything :-) Besides...most of what I write here is open book kind of stuff.

Anyway, I'm really rambling here. Bear with me...there's an actual post coming soon.

Today is Tres' birthday. My "baby" is 4. And I'll be totally honest....it's been a difficult day for me. I haven't written much about wanting more children....but lots of you already know me and know getting pregnant hasn't always been easy for us.

And so here I sit, not knowing whether or not all the baby stuff is done in our world. I know none of us have the benefit of knowing what the future holds, but this, i dunno, wilderness of sorts, hasn't been easy for me.

I like to be in charge (some would say bossy...and they'd be right) and so letting go of my notions of what our family *should* look like is tough for me. I always imagined, and even planned, for four kids. It just hasn't worked out that way. Yet. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. I'm trying to let go and realize that maybe it just isn't meant to be...that God has other plans for us. I'm trying to live in the present. In my present...instead of wishing for something else.

I'm so happy for so many of my friends who have welcomed new babies into their lives this past year. None of that makes me sad. But thinking that my baby days might be over....that does leave me blue. And so instead of writing about it and sharing my feelings, I haven't written at all. But I can only hold it in for so long, before it all comes spilling out. And today, instead of being a happy-birthday kind of day. It's been an emotional, teary kind of day. And I'm tired of holding back. So I'm writing about it. I'm naming it and claiming it. I'm not going to be afraid about sharing my crazy baby thoughts :-)

Ok, I'm a little afraid. This is the web...words like this last forever. But I thought I should at least tell you why I haven't written much lately. It's because I want to write about trying to have another baby and I wasn't sure if I really wanted that to be all out there, fully public. But not writing is harder than writing about personal stuff. It's like all my thoughts and feelings just get squished down and it drives me crazy.

So instead, I give you this. One big, long, emotional dump of a post. Sorry. Thanks for sticking with me if you've read this far.

And thanks for all your love and support.

Good night.

Random Quiz...I like them here better than facebook

You Are a Whiteboard

You are a dreamer, a visionary, and a straight up idea person. You are very creative. Even if the things you think up are a bit wacky, they often are brilliant. You are an adept problem solver. You are always tossing around dozens of ideas. You would make a good artist, designer, or architect. You do best when work feels like play.

What Office Supply Are You?

Five good things for today

1. I've rearranged my office furniture. Moving stuff around always makes me happy.

2. I went to Costco with a friend today. I haven't been to a Costco since we lived in Washington state. It was damp and rainy out and I could have sworn I was in Silverdale.

3. March Madness has begun. Right now Tres is on top of the family brackets and loving that he has picked better than Daddy. Of course since he a #10 ranked team in the final four, my guess is that he should enjoy his reign at the top while it lasts.

4. I just heard about Paperbackswap. Go here and read all about it. Sounds like a very cool way to trade out books. I do most of my reading from the library, but I'm not as impressed with the libraries here as I've been in other places. This sounds like a very thrifty way to buy and share books without having to wait on hold lists at the library. Thanks to Nicole for sharing the idea.

5. March Madness. Oh, did I mention that already? Well....these next four days are some of my favorite of the whole year...so it's worth two entries. But since I said I'd mention five things, I'll bring up my running. I'm up to 3 miles which is more than I ever thought possible. I've tossed around the idea of running a longer distance race, but for now, I'm really excited about my first 5K coming up at the end of April.

How about you? Any good things for today??

The end of TV as we know it.

Up until now in our home, the boys' television watching has consisted mostly of kid shows. For a long while it was PBS, then we moved to Noggin, Disney and the like. We don't watch much TV, but I am not opposed to limited amounts. It was a big deal when we moved to Boomerang. The boys discovered The Jetsons, Tom and Jerry and Wacky Races. A little more "high speed" but still ok with me.

Well, that's all changed.

Someone clue them into the 600's on DirecTV. In the 600 lineup one will find the Speed Network, Versus and Fuel. What's on these channels, you might ask?

Motocross
Drag Racing
Bull Riding
BMX
Extreme Sports

and my personal favorite...

Monster Truck Races

So now instead of Wonder Pets or Super Why, I can hear all about the new paint job on the monster truck. Or about the flames that shoot out of the drag racing cars. Or how the motorcycle guy almost ran over another guy. At ANY given time, some extreme "sport" is on one of these networks. You, too, can watch a Monster Truck race at any.time.of.the.day.

We already watch plenty of sports on the weekends. Somehow I had this illusion that we could stick with "educational" shows forever.

Ok, honestly, I knew they would grow out of Sesame Street and Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. But Monster Truck races??? Really????


My only saving grace.....at least it's not wrestling!

Slow week

We've still got sickies here....

So you know it's been a slow week when the two biggest pieces of excitement are the purchase of this and the announcement that our county will now accept all types of food-grade plastic for recycling. Yesss!!


The leaf blower and vac claims to mulch 16 bags down to 1. Yes, I probably should have made a purchase like that in October when my dear hubby was raking every spare minute of the day. But what drove me over the edge was having the dead leaves constantly in our garage area swirling around the door. I felt having all the dead stuff around was bad ju-ju or something. At the very least it can't be good for the allergy sufferers who live here. So now, I can blow them all into a tidy pile and then suck them right up into the automatic mulcher. Life is good.

As for my second piece of news, I know it doesn't sound very interesting. But after living in Washington State and Maine where we could recycle EVERYTHING, one of my biggest pet peeves about this area is how they would only accept "plastic bottles with a neck" (i.e. milk jugs or soda bottles). Up until now, everything else was verboten. But now....now we have a new non-sorting system and I can put any food plastics in the bin.

Yes, that's right....strawberry containers, yogurt cups, ketchup bottles.

And even better....we no longer have to sort and separate. So my newspapers can be right in with my un-collapsed cardboard and butter tubs.

Woo-hoo!

I'd like to pretend I'm joking about my level of excitement, but I am so totally not. I practically whooped with joy when I read the flyer about what we can recycle now.

It just makes life that much easier and I feel tremendously less guilty about our yogurt consumption when I know I don't have to fill the landfills because of it.

Anyway, I have to return back to my nurse duties and administer more motrin and gatorade.

Spring comes soon, right? With less germs too, right???

Until then you can find me poring over my leaf blower manual while I eat a cup of yogurt.

Oscar recap

Slumdog--Brilliant all around! I'm so thrilled to see it get the recognition I feel it deserved!!

Penelope Cruz...talented and beautiful. I thought she had a lovely acceptance speech.

My one snarky comment, I love Reese Witherspoon, but that was not her best choice of dresses.

Who knew Hugh could sing so well. Fantastic!

I liked the tribute previous winners gave to each nominee. At first I wasn't sure about the concept, but after watching the first round, I thought it a lovely way to really recognize and honor the actors being nominated. Seeing clips from movies I haven't seen has never really encouraged me to go watch a performance. But hearing their peers talk about the role and seeing the sentimentality worked for me.

I did not like, however the blue screen with movie clips that was being shown in the background while the previous winners were talking. Kung Fu panda kept popping up on the screen at the weirdest times...did anyone else notice that?

Lots of lovely dresses. Some very nice speeches, some (expected) political ones....Danny Boyle is a treat, Kate Winslet admitted we all gave speeches with shampoo bottles.

Overall, a better show this year then many previous ones in my humble opinion.

Yea!!! Slumdog!!!!

Winter Haiku

Two weeks, two sick kids
Fevers, Sleeping, lots of rest.
Basement still a mess.

tuesday afternoon

Ugh. Not only do I have huge messes in the house to contend with, but I've been spammed with the best of the bloggers by the Chinese Character Spammer. If somehow, I passed this on to your blog...I'm so sorry.

Looks like the biggest pain is just deleting the spam. But really. What a pain.

So, apparently I can't post everyday. Even just posting one item a day, left me behind. But honestly, reading one item I've tossed isn't exactly Pulitzer material.

Good material to write about though....One of my Godson's had a birthday this weekend. Turned 3 and is getting too big, too quickly. Happy Birthday Little Man!! And my newest Godchild was baptized. I couldn't be there to hold her in my arms...but I was most definitely there in spirit.

Plus a dear friend in Maine had her third son last week.

So yeah, junky spam and a junky basement....but beautiful babies all around!

At that point where it feels hopeless

but I know it isn't.

The basement challenge has only been on a week and I've already crashed and burned. I try, really, I try to a little every day, so as not to burn myself out.

But I just don't think I work that way.

I work under pressure, with deadlines, up all hours of the night.

And then I get exhausted, promise myself I'll be more organized next time and then proceed to avoid "big projects" until I'm backed into a deadline again.

You'd think I'd learn.

But then again, you'd think I know by now, that's just the way I am. I'm not sure if I should just accept my slacker ways, or if I should try and work on learning a new trick....all I know is the basement is still a disaster area and I want to stay up all night to finish it. But I know I should keep plodding along, one thing at a time.

Ideas? Advice? Words of wisdom from a reformed procrastinator? A good joke? I'll take anything at this point :-)

Our tax dollars hard at work

One of the things I am learning about life in the DC region is that there a lot of people who think they are verrrry important here.

Case in point: Michael Chertoff compiled a book of his most memorable speeches to give to select employees of the Department of Homeland Security as a goodbye gift. Read more about it here.

Glad to see that 11K went to good use. Yup, 11 THOUSAND dollars. I'm sure most civil servants want to do nothing else but spend their free time re-reading old speeches from their boss.

And I'm sure that there wasn't any other way to spend those funds. Nope, I can't think of any after-school programs, or domestic violence shelters or even a neighborhood watch program that could use a few thousand dollars. Good thing someone thought of publishing a book of OLD SPEECHES.

My last point...yes, there is a place for posterity. Washington, Lincoln, a few other old guys left us with memorable words to inspire and remind us of our great country. But I'll bet you a dollar to nothing that THEY didn't decide their words should be published, THEY didn't spend taxpayer money on such foolishness. If Chertoff thinks his speeches were that special, he's welcome to write a book and sell it for as much as the market will bear. But I'm thoroughly annoyed that he thought the taxpayers should foot that bill.

That is all. I'll get off my soapbox now.
Hmmph!

Thursday night from the basement.

an old formal dress.

Friday's goal is to get the bags of stuff actually out the door to Salvation Army.

Day one (or is it day 4??)

Well I was off to a roaring start last night, but today, the motivation has subsided. Fear not, my friends, I will make it a point to get here and tell you what made it into the trash bin and/or donate pile.

It may not be thrilling, but it will be done.

Today-
Plaster mold kits for baby's hands. 4 of them. I only have 3 kids. With each one, I always said I'd get around to it. Never did. Time to go.

Garlic press. Doesn't work for bunk. Just squishes my garlic. Hmmph!

I'm hoping for some big ticket items tomorrow. And I realize I should probably take before and after pictures. But I have frequently promised pictures on this blog and then failed to deliver....so for now, I'll stick with words.

Throwing down the gauntlet

Did you know a gauntlet was a glove? Neither did I. I always thought it was a sword or something. Either way....it's a challenge.

So....I've been stuck inside the house a lot lately with the cold temperatures and wintery weather. Normally, I enjoy this time of year to cuddle up with a book and some tea and hide from the world for a little while, but this year as I mentioned before I'm feeling a bit more overwhelmed. I have a feeling it has much to do with the state of our basement. Flylady always says that you can't sleep well with storage or clutter under your bed, and I'm feeling that way about our whole house right now.

The basement has become a dumping ground for everything and anything. I feel like it is my underbed storage keeping me from enjoying the rest of my (reasonably) tidy house. So with spring cleaning around the corner, I've decided to tackle winter decluttering first. There are a lot of things in my basement that shouldn't be there. They belong in the trash or at Goodwill, but month after month, year after year they get moved to a new house and find a new storage spot. I'm finally tired of it.

So this month's challenge (notice how I'm starting it on the 4th of the month....nothing says organized like a last minute idea! HA!), is to get rid of one thing each day from my basement. Large or small, a big deal or an easy toss, I'm going to post each day for the rest of the month to tell you what is leaving my house.

Join me, won't you? And leave a note in the com box about what you're tossing for the next 24 days.

It must be February

cause I'm buried in taxes and laundry.

Just livin' the dream.

Seriously, though, all is well here. It would be better if I was a more organized home-manager, filing person, but once I dig out all the tax papers things will be okey-dokey.

For now though, I'm trying to figure out doing our taxes as a rental property owner (that's a new one for us) and a teeny-tiny business owner...both of which lost money last year. Which is ok. I think.

It's a good thing I have til April to get it all done.

Yet another reason to buy local

Honey sold in the US (but from China) is found to be high in banned antibiotics.

Really, I'm not a conspiracy theorist.

But leave my honey alone.

And really...when will we figure out that cheap goods and foods are KILLING US?

Is the cost savings worth it???

Now, I'm just mad. And I'm afraid to go make a cup of tea to soothe my nerves.

Blessings from God

Please go read this article from the Washington Post (registration may be required, although Yahoo linked to it too, so you might be able to get to it directly).

In her own words, Mrs. Malual calls her children "blessings from God", which is so very true. How can we not help her in some way?

Please, if you are able in any way, think about donating something to her cause.

I can only imagine the challenges that face her and her family in the weeks and months ahead.

Yikes

You'd think I'd write about the inauguration, but after being immersed in the DC scene for the whole weekend, I'm spent. Maybe I'll look back and offer my two cents, maybe I won't. Either way, I'm very proud of our country even though it was not my candidate sworn in this week. That and I thought that poem written for the event was way better when I read it than when I heard it during the ceremony.

But what I really want to talk about is that overwhelming feeling I have right now. The uh-oh, oh no feeling that comes when my basement is trashed, my office is an avalance of papers and my floors need to be swept. That overwhelming feeling that threatens to send me into hiding when I have a childbirth class to prepare for, basketball practice tonight and playgroup coming over in two hours. Suffice it to say, that the fact that I'm still sitting in my jammies is a bad sign.

I need a shot of caffeine, some kickin' music and a big dose of energy to get things done around here.

Wish me luck. Better yet, say a prayer for me!

Dreaming

I've been enjoying hanging out on Facebook these last few weeks, but there is a downside. Seeing faces and hearing stories about people I haven't seen in 10 or 20 years leaves my subconscious dreaming about these people and places I used to know. But I want my dreams to be of things to come, not always of the past.

So I'm not sure if I keep looking back or if I get off Facebook and start planning my future.

Or maybe, I look for the middle ground.

Either way, the early morning dreams have been interesting. I wonder what I'd be processing in my head if I was doing something other that randomly scanning status updates on facebook?